"We may be left-handed....
but our jokes are all right"

Jokes

Conversation over dinner:

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

***********************

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked...
"doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him,
"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?".

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

***********************

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Monkey Boys.
Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Monkey Boys, who?
What, how many Blind Tom of the Wild Left-Handed Monkey Boys do you know?

***********************

A guy invented a left-handed hammer. Didn't Sell. No left-handed nails

***********************

It was during the days of Indo-Soviet friendship, and travel from one country to the other was regular. Pande, a Government bureacrat, was promoted for being a Brahmin close to Nehru, and was flying from Moscow to Delhi after completing some Government work in Moscow. To his surprise, sitting right beside him was Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Pande had always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately started a conversation with Gary.

Kasparov: "How would you like to play me for 500 Rs. ?"
Pande: "But you are too good - you will beat me and I will lose my money!".
Gary: "How about if I play left-handed"?
"Then I might have a chance," thought Pande and he accepted the offer.
Kasparov checkmated our Panditji in 4 moves.

Pande was still scratching his head as he left the airplane. Upon reaching Mathura, Pande told Panda about the game he had with Kasparov.

Panda: "*Tu bhi pura buddhu hai, Pande*". (You're an absolute fool, Pande)
Pande: "*Kyon*" (Why)?
Panda: "*Are Chootiya! Gary Kasparov Left-handed hai!*". (You Stupid! Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed!).

***********************

The Left-Handed Whopper:
Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.). However, the left-handed whopper had "all condiments rotated 180 degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of the burger."

Jim Watkins, senior vice president for marketing at Burger King, was quoted as saying that the new sandwich was the "ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY' for our left-handed customers." The advertisement then noted that the left-handed Whopper would initially only be available in the United States, but that the company was "considering plans to roll it out to other countries with large left-handed populations." The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

Writing the Batman Comics

Next time you look through your favourite comic, spare a thought for the people who write the stories and draw the pictures - they could well be left-handed like you! Because our artistic side is supposed to be more developed than right handers, it is very common for writers and artists to be left-handed, and what could be better than to see your own work in your favourite comic?
	That's what happened to Batman writer Alan Grant, who spent most of his spare time as a child reading about his comic book heroes. Often this was because he wanted to forget about his unhappy school life, where he had the 'Headmaster from Hell' who got really angry when Alan tried to write with his left hand. He remembers, 'when I went to primary school, writing with the left hand was taboo and I was belted on my left hand until I couldn't use it.
The headmaster sent for my parents who were given instructions to withhold my meals until I managed to write with my right hand'. But Alan has never been able to write right handed and feels that his troubled childhood, during which he read comics like the Beano, Oor Willie and Batman to escape the real world, helped him get where he is today. Now he's had the last laugh - he earns so much money he brought himself a castle! But Alan warns that writing comics isn't an easy profession to get into. He says 'The main quality you need is perseverance. Never allow yourself to be put off by rejection' Wise words from a very talented left-hander!

Your Jokes

Although we know that being left-handed is a serious matter, we do like nice jokes about left-handedness.

If you are left-handed yourself and don't find it amusing to be seen as clumsy or awkward in a right-handed world, then click here to see our full range of products specially adapted for left-handers.

We are hunting for cartoons and jokes with a left-handed theme, so if you know any please email us to ideas@anythingleft-handed.co.uk

A lot of cartoon characters have been drawn as being left-handed. Bart Simpson and Homer (sometimes) are among them. Keep a lookout and let us know of any others you see and we will try to get pictures to put on the web site.